Never Ending Story

"What a busy Saturday" Kami thought as she started to get ready for the party.

Shower - check.

Hair - still wet but will be okay.

Clothes - check.

Son's clothes ready - check. She'll dress him up right before leaving so he doesn't get himself dirty before they even leave the house.

Okay, we still have some time. She went outside to throw something in the trash bin and her son ran after her all excited to start playing. He never stops. Everything is so fun for him. With so many opportunities outside, he never runs out of ideas. Usually, he plays in the front yard and on the street but today he followed her.

Kami took a deep breath and thought that it looked like it was going to be a beautiful day. The sun was shining and warming up the morning air. Finally, spring was here!

She looked at the backyard and realized how much she missed it. The winter was way too long. She took a slow walk through the uneven patches of grass. She always felt that this backyard was like a little getaway. It didn't look the part though. That's something she purposely overlooked. Who cares that it's surrounded by ugly chain link fence - she could see nature through the metal. Who cares that the lawn looks dreadful - it looks more natural this way and the cats love it when it gets tall and they can hide in it. Lack of landscape didn't bother her - they had plenty of time for details, and look, the flowers she planted were coming out. Lilly of the valley was after all her second favorite flower.

Only the sound of the nearby highway wasn't easy to forget. She would much rather listen to the birds and the wind rustling the leaves. "Don't think about it, Kami. Enjoy the day."

She walked to the end of the yard and sat on the bench right by the strawberry patch. All are blooming. The sight was gorgeous and a promise of a good harvest this year. She couldn't wait.

Her male cat, Kotek, walked up to her slowly and waited for the obligatory petting. 

"Are you enjoying this weather, Kotek?" He meowed and blinked at her in response. 

Her son was playing on the other side of the yard an imaginary fight with gruesome enemies. He was winning, of course. 

She wasn't sure why she lingered. There was nothing to do here and plenty to do in the house and time was running short before they'd have to go out. Something was keeping her planted on the wooden bench though.

She looked around where Kotek went. She thought it was odd. He was standing in front of the shed and peering inside, sniffing the air.

"What's in there, Kotek?" she asked as if cat could give her a real answer. 

She remembered to a day last fall when she saw the groundhog for the last time. He had a bloody wound on his neck and could barely walk. Kids finally scared him and he found the strength to run back to his home - under this shed. She wasn't sure if he survived.

This made her wonder if there was an animal inside the shed that her cat smelled out. She got up and slowly looked inside. The shed was filled with unnecessary clutter. Every junk that she laid eyes on, she took a mental note to dispose of when she had time.

"We really need a larger shed" she thought.

Then she heard a tiny squeak.

So it was an animal. What kind though? If it was injured, she didn't want it to die inside there. Was it mice? That would explain why her cat was listening so intently. There was no other way to check. She had to get in there and move some stuff out to see what was making the sound.

As she started to move objects she heard the squeak better. There was definitely something there. She dug through the clutter looking for the source. After few more squeaks she finally realized what sound that was. Kittens. There were kittens in this shed.

That was just so cool. She got excited and looked harder. 

"Where are you, babies?" She was careful to not make excessive noise when moving things so if kitty mama was there, she wouldn't get too scared. Finally, she saw where the sound was coming from. Right in the corner of the shed, there was a roll of insulation. The area was blocked off by pieces of wood and who knows what. She couldn't see inside properly. It appeared that it was only kittens, no mama. She wanted to see them. 

She ran inside the house looking for the camera. When she got back to the shed, she was able to stuff her camera inside the nest and snap few pics of the kittens. They were adorable. It looked like there were three. One fluffy orange kitten was meowing his tiny high pitch sound. Two dark gray ones were cuddled together and sleeping comfortably. 

Notice the fluffiness, cuteness and overall beauty of these tiny babies. This is what happy, well taken care of kittens look like.

"Cuteness to the extreme" she marveled at the photos. She felt tempted to reach inside and take the orange one out to have a proper look but she stopped herself. They were very young. Too young to be adopted. They needed their mama. She didn't want to leave her own human smell on them and give mama any reason to reject and abandon them. No. She had to keep her distance and let mama come back. 

"Restrain yourself" she said to herself. It was hard to walk away from them, leaving them all alone, so vulnerable, so tiny, defenseless. Their mama would come back though. She had to let go, leave it up to nature.

Her son was disappointed that he couldn't see them or hold them. He already reserved rights to naming each one. 

"Sure, baby. You can name them" she said but she knew well that they couldn't keep them. Two cats they had was plenty. Her husband would probably freak out if she got herself more cats. She started planning what to do. She thought it would be best to wait until they were old enough and weaned and then she would look around whom she could give them to. All in its time.

********

Her favorite part of the party was showing off the pictures of kittens in her shed. She couldn't wait to come back and see them again. Maybe she'll see their mama? She thought she could leave her some food so she wouldn't have to go out to hunt and leave her babies. This was such an exciting time.

When she got back, she slowly and quietly walked towards the shed. It was getting dark already. The warm day was long gone, replaced by a cool night and light rain. Good thing the kittens are in a dry, warm spot. It's a great spot for a nest but how the hell did mama find it? Wow. She must have been looking very hard to make her way through all the junk in there and find a warm, soft bed, just perfect for a nest. 

She wondered, is it really perfect? Will fiberglass from the insulation irritate kitten's skin?

As she walked closer she had a brief moment of fear that maybe kittens won't be there. Maybe mama sensed that someone had been inside the shed and moved the kittens somewhere else. Where would she take them though? Really, beside's Kami's shed, the area didn't have too many good, dry spots like this. There were trees and all, but this must have been really the best possible nest. 

"I hope they're still there" she thought looking inside the cavity between the junk. Kittens were there but mama was not.

"Where is your mama, babies?" she asked them. One of them meowed lightly in response.

"I better get out of here" she thought. "Mama could be somewhere close by just waiting for me to get out so she could get back in there. I need to give her space."

So she left them. 

*******

Sunday morning was cloudy. It seemed like Saturday's sun was a one time deal. They were going back into the gloomy days. So much for Spring.

No matter how hard Kami tried to keep herself away, she didn't win that fight and found herself in the shed looking for the kittens again. They were in there and still no mama. This time two or three were meowing. 

One of them crawled out from the middle of the nest a little closer to the edge and meowed softly his high pitch song. From this angle it looked like there were three inside and one out. So there were four in all. It was extremely gratifying to finally see one of the kittens much better but when she looked at the picture she took, she was overcome with a sad thought. Something was off. Why were they alone again?

"Where's your mama, babies? Has she come back to you last night?"

She looked around the yard scanning for any sign of a cat. She walked up closer to the fence and peered through the bushes all around the yard. 

"Where are you, mama? Your babies need you. Come back."

Fear crept into her mind. "What if mama isn't coming back?" How can she save these babies? How long should she wait before it's definite that they are abandoned? Why? Why are they abandoned? She had a theory that maybe mama was somebody's pet, she gave birth in this shed and then went out to get some food and was locked inside a house. That sounded like a very possible situation but where should she look? She knew it wasn't neighbors on her street as the only other cat was definitely not it. So somewhere further away. She couldn't come up with any other explanation. She still had hope though. She wanted mama to come back. So once again, with a heavy heart Kami left the kittens in the shed.

In the meantime though, she started researching what to do with them if mama didn't show.

From what she read, she was able to figure out that they were about one week old (open eyes, crawling) and if they had to be raised by people, it wouldn't be easy. They needed to be fed every 2 hours, they had to be groomed and properly taken care of day and night for at least 3 more weeks. She knew she wouldn't be able to do that. Bringing these tiny babies with her to work was just not an option. She had to give them to someone that could take care of them. Problem was, it was a Sunday. Every organization that would do that, was closed. She was on her own.

*********

Later that day, she went back into the shed with great hopes that she would find a mama cat in there grooming her babies but instead she found four kittens all alone cuddling to each other for warmth. 

This time she decided to have a closer look and reached into the nest and pulled out one that was awake and meowing. Her first instinct was to squeal in delight of how cute he was and take another picture but as she looked closer, delight was gone. Little baby was dirty, covered in his own pee (or his brothers/sisters). Obviously, they hadn't been groomed. There was nothing cute about it. Baby meowed in her hand. It was one of the gray ones but not the same one that separated from the group in the morning. This one had one eye shut with a little crust. 

"I hear you, tiny baby," she said to him, "You're hungry."

She put him back into the kitten pile and decided, that she didn't want to waste any more time. She had to go to the pet store to buy kitten formula. It just happened that the store was going out of business so they didn't have much product left but she was able to find the last can of formula and one of the last feeding bottles. 

On her way back, she was considering what she would do with them. Obviously, it was too late to call anyone, she had to take care of them on her own this night and try to figure out where to take them in the morning. She still had tiny hope that mama would come back if she was just locked inside a house, so she planned to feed them, wipe them clean and dry and maybe do something so the nest would be a bit warmer, and then put the babies back in there. Temperature was dropping already. It could be a cold night. Feeding had to come first though.

When she got back, she noticed how quickly it got dark. Time was passing by, every minute counted if she wanted to fix up their nest before she couldn't see anything inside there.

She quickly walked to the shed and put her hand inside trying to get the closest kitten. Even before she saw him, she immediately felt that something was wrong. Kitten was too cold. She looked closer in the dim light. 

This baby was still. 

"No!" she cried recognizing that it was the same one she just held in her hand few hours ago. "I'm too late!" 

How could it be? He was alive and meowing and now there was no sign of life in his little body. She panicked, put him aside and reached in to find the rest of them quickly. This time she found a live one. It was another gray one, meowing and still strong. She ran inside the house determined to save this little baby. While she was working on him, she asked her husband to get back in there and see if there were any more survivors. 

One more gray kitten and the orange one were still but from time to time would make a move. Could they still be saved? 

She felt like she failed them. She waited too long to act. They were cold and starving. She wrapped them in kitchen towels hoping that warmth would help but her hope was fleeing. She focused her attention on the strong gray kitten in her hands. She tried to feed him with the bottle, but the nipple was way too big to fool him. He knew it wasn't his mama and fought her back when she tried to force it inside his mouth. She was glad that he was strong enough to resist but worried because he couldn't figure out how to drink from it. All this baby wanted to do was to crawl into the warmest spot and sleep.

"Don't fall asleep, baby. Please, don't." She begged. Tears welled in her eyes as she realized that even though he was strong, she might not be able to feed him.

She checked on the other two survivors to see if they would be able to eat. The gray one barely moved and when a drop of milk fell on his tongue, he did not try to swallow but laid there with open mouth. Cold truth was evident. He was still alive but not strong enough. She checked on the orange one. Even though he looked to be in the same state when brought in, he seemed to move more now that he was covered by towel. When she touched him, he made a strange sound, instead of a high pitch meow, it sounded like one continuous groan. He didn't even sound like a cat. It looked hopeless but she felt a strange bond to the orange kitten. She had to try. She took him in closer and tried to give him the bottle. Again, it wasn't happening. Poor baby could not figure out how to drink from it. 

All hope was draining from Kami but she didn't want to give up. They were still alive. There was still a chance that she could save them. At least the strong one, and even though his chances were low, she really wanted to save the orange one too. She lost all hope for the third kitten.

She moved with them all to the couch and put them on her lap with the towels trying to keep them warm while she figured out what to do. She grabbed her laptop and started searching again. She found an explanation that when kittens are too cold, they can't eat, so she hoped that was the reason why she had a problem feeding them. She tried to give the strong one another go but he seemed to be very distressed when she forced the bottle in his mouth. Maybe he didn't recognize the flavor of the formula as food, or maybe he just didn't know how to drink from something that drips. In any case, the strong gray kitten was absolutely not interested in eating. He found the warmest spot and slept.

Picture taken by Kami's son. This wasn't something she wanted to photograph.

She saw change in the orange kitten and hope flared in her heart. It seemed that all he needed to come back to life was a bit of warmth. He finally started to meow properly and move more. She tried to give him the bottle, he didn't fight as strong as the gray kitten, and also couldn't figure out how to drink. She noticed though that he would relax with the nipple in his mouth and would be uneasy when she moved it away. Maybe he recognized the tiny drops dropping on his tongue. Maybe he knew it was food. So she left the bottle in there. She checked on the third kitten but unfortunately, his time was done. He joined his brother/sister in kitten heaven. Two kittens dead. Two still alive.

Reality dawned on Kami. She wasn't saving them. If she couldn't get them to eat, she would only prolong their death. They were not going to make it through the night. The only way to save them would be to give them to someone experienced, someone who would have the training and the proper tools to feed them. That was their only hope.

Picture taken by Kami's son. This wasn't something she wanted to photograph.

So she started researching again - this time for animal clinics open 24/7. She hoped they could give her advice on what to do, where to find help. She found one and they recommended that she call the police, and police would relay the message to Animal Control, and they would pick up the kittens.

Process was very smooth. Animal Control showed up by her door within minutes. She felt it wrong to just give them up like that but she trusted the young man when he said that they would try to save them. He didn't have high hopes for them though because of how young they were.

A tiny hope is better than no hope though.

He also mentioned to her, that she should lock up her cats for the next few days because they were capturing stray cats in her neighborhood. Only later she realized that that could be the reason why kitty mama never came back for them. She was captured. The "why" was answered.

********

Kami didn't understand why she took it so hard what happened with the kittens. She found them on Saturday, and she gave them up on Sunday. That surely wasn't enough time to bond with them? The whole time she was completely aware that they weren't hers to keep. She kept emotional distance intentionally trying to not get attached. But now it felt so wrong to not see them, to not know if they were okay. She visited the shed lurking in the corner in the now destroyed insulation almost hoping she'd find them there again but that of course would not happen. There were no cats anywhere.

She felt hollow inside. Day after day, the wound in her heart was getting worse. She was mourning. At the same time though she still had hope that tiny babies had a happy ending. Maybe they were able to find them fosters? Maybe they reunited them with their mama? It could happen, right?

She couldn't take the not knowing anymore. She found out which shelter stray cats are usually taken to and visited it hoping for miracle. The shelter volunteer was very helpful and took her to see the kittens they had so she could try to recognize her gray and orange kittens but her babies weren't there. Volunteer checked the log that Animal Control fills out with all strays they capture but two kittens from Kami's address were not recorded.

What happened to them? 

*******

This mystery still keeps Kami up at night. She knows she has to let go, she knows that there's nothing she can do but feelings are not rational. Feelings do not respond to voice of reason. This story needs an ending and she was deprived of it. After all, she could have skipped the walk around her backyard that Saturday. She could have ignored what her cat was sniffing at. Maybe few years later, they'd finally get around to cleaning out the old shed and find little bones puzzled what animal they were from. But no. This story happened. There must have been a reason why Kami was led to the shed that Saturday. She believes it was fate. She was meant to find these kittens alive!

No story should ever end with a question mark.

Wherever you are, kittens, Kami sends you her warm hugs. She still has hope.